The Way I Am
by James Drummond
Summary: Chapter 5 is up. Enjoy.
1. The Conundrum of Confessions

The Way I Am  
  
Chapter 1: The Conundrum of Confessions  
  
  
  
  
  
"My mother died when I was four years old." Shinji said distantly, his eyes fixed on a fire he himself sparked to life in the distance.  
  
"I'm aware of that, Ikari-kun." The girl with periwinkle hair said in that usual dull, monotonous voice. She sat beside him, her lithe body contorted to face him. Those crimson hued eyes studied the side of his face.  
  
  
  
The rain was thick and it seemed as if there were simply a myriad of vertical parallel bars of gushing water. The clouds which spewed the downpour were puffy and back, and had swarmed the neo-city in a short period of time.  
  
The pair sat amidst the rubble of what had once been a library. They were propped against a concrete wall, though they weren't sheltered against the pouring rain. Some of the books that littered the area around them had been salvaged from the Second Impact. Some were simply reprints, and of course there were new books. A tragedy such as the Second Impact could not halt the writer's creativity.  
  
"My father wouldn't care for me. Not that I would have liked to have lived with him." But there was doubt in this statement. Had Shinji stayed with his father, he would now not reserve such anger for the man. His gaze averted from the fire, and to one of the books. He shifted in his plug suit, and began to fiddle with the pages of the small book with his right hand. The pages had been singed at some point, as well as the pea green cover "So he sent me off... And I lived with Mr. Ueda, my teacher."  
  
  
  
"Did you use this... Mr. Ueda as a substitute for the absence of your father?" Rei questioned, carefully watching each individual droplet roll off his face...  
  
"No, not at all. In fact..." He sat back against the wall, his head tilted up to let the water hit his face."As I grew older... I think I saw myself in him." It had taken him a moment to formulate the words, as the question had triggered an epiphany for the boy. "He never spoke of his family... In the ten years I lived with the man, I never once saw a photograph of any one of his relation. And, it wasn't because he was an old man and they had passed away... He was younger then my father."  
  
Rei nodded as he spoke. She had to keep him talking, just until NERV arrived for him.. 'Ikari-kun..'  
  
---------  
  
A thick beam of light hit Shinji Ikari's face, causing the image of his dream to be distorted by an orange blaze. Someone's high beams were on behind the movie theater screen.  
  
"Mmm.." He moaned and got up, swinging his legs over the side of his bed and sitting there for a moment. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and blinked, waiting for his eyes to regain sight.  
  
"Shinji! Breakfast!" His guardian, Misato, called from where he deduced was the kitchen.  
  
"...Misato...Made breakfast?" The question at the same time puzzled him, as well as filled him with a feeling of disgust... He didn't even want to picture her take on the scrambled egg. The case usually was that Shinji was the first one up, so he'd make breakfast for the other two. He recalled once making breakfast for himself, and was later reviled fiercely by a famished Misato.  
  
He got up, stepping in place as his arms ascended towards the heavens, tightening as he let his rested muscles get a good stretch. He slipped his navy blue shirt off, as well as his white boxer shorts. "I'll wear something different today..." He settled on a light citrus colored polo shirt and a pair of khaki dress pants. He examined himself in the mirror. "I think I've grown..." The thought brought a small smile to his face, and it remained as he stepped into the hallway, figuring today may be a good day for him. 'Yes, I'll make it one.' He thought as he opened the door to the bathroom.  
  
He slipped the bathroom slippers on, sliding the door shut. A small flush could be heard, and then running water from the sink. He slipped off the slippers which Asuka always seemed to neglect to use. He then walked into kitchen, upon his lips that small smile stood proudly. 'Be kind ... and try to eat as much as you can! But don't go crazy and eat more then you can handle.' He thought, preparing to experience the strange realm of 'Cooking With Misato'.  
  
"Finally, I'm STARVING!" Misato Katsuragi sat cross-legged at the low table. Her hair was held back in a small bun, a few rogue violet strands poked out in every which way. A tight white T-shirt clung to her shapely chest, and a pair of jean shorts completed the rest of her outfit.  
  
"Huh... I thought you were calling me to breakfast? ...And isn't that my shirt?" Shinji said with mixed confusion and relief... So his stomach wouldn't be attacked this morning after all.  
  
"Shinji, do you even look at the chart I made? Asuka, you, and I picked who would cook fairly. Purely democratic!"With that she'd take a slug from a beer she had been nursing since she awoke. "And this shirt,"She continued. "Well, we're a family, aren't we? We share Shinji! Next time you need to borrow a miniskirt, my closet is your closet. And...Do you think you could get me another, Shinji?"  
  
"Hai!" He had already started cooking, his white apron on as he heated a small amount of oil in a pan. He stepped away from the stove and to the fridge. He opened it up and pulled out a chilled, golden canister of Yebisu beer.. He set it down in front of her and returned to the fridge, pulling out a small carton of eggs. He stepped back to the stove and resumed.  
  
Silence had filled the air after she popped open the beer. He broke it with the crack of an egg, and then the lively sizzle of the oil meeting the white and yolk. "Aren't you going to wake up Asuka, Misato?"  
  
"Why should I? You kids only get one day off. Let her sleep. She's used to getting two." She said casually, sipping her beer as she folded a napkin into a triangle.  
  
"Two days off? I thought everyone only got Sunday off."He looked at her quizzically, cooking utensils in hand as he flipped the egg onto it's other side.  
  
"...Yes, Shinji, two days off. In countries other then Japan, the school system is very different." She said matter-of-factly to him, a smile hinting upon her pale lips.  
  
"Ignorant, as well as stupid, huh Baka-Shinji?" The redhead said with her sharp tongue, smirking at the boy as she took a spot next to Misato. This morning, a yellow sun dress adorned her developing, yet still attractive figure. White flip-flops were placed under the table, away from view. It had taken her almost twenty minutes to find them in the boxes that occupied a corner of her cluttered room. She had not totally unpacked, yet it had been months since she had moved in. She canted her head to the side, the blue ribbon around her neck slipping at an angle to contour the sudden movement.  
  
"I'm sorr--" He couldn't finish apologizing, as all semblance of normalcy dissipated. The day had forsaken Shinji, and he realized he'd be on the forefront of the preservation of humanity. The sirens were blaring, the emergency warning taking hold of every form of communication in the city. One such warning was visible to Shinji, as the TV was on in the living room, and they were already summoning people to the shelters.  
  
He looked to the table, and Misato's beer was knocked over, the amber liquid running off the edge. Misato's door was open slightly, and he could hear rustling with her uniform in between screeching intervals of the siren. Asuka had apparently already made her way to the car, as the door to the apartment was ajar and she herself was missing. He dropped the apron, slid the eggs on the back burner, and dashed to the door. He slipped on his shoes and bolted after her.  
  
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"If you could see the look in his eyes. It's like there was nothing else in the world. It was me, him, and my cello. I'd get lost in those eyes, and couldn't even feel myself anymore. His fingers would form every note which I played... It was hypnotic... I played my best when Mr. Ueda sat across from me." Shinji's eyes gazed blankly at the rubble setting around him. His eyes weren't looking at anything in particular, they were simply a backdrop for his thoughts, which he spoke lucidly to Rei. There was no filter between them.  
  
"Did he teach you how to play the cello?" She asked, prodding deeper into his thoughts. Her hair clung to her cheeks, which depressed to her pointy chin. Her hair was parted in the middle, even if she were conscious of this she wouldn't have fixed it. Her light blue hair slightly obscured a gash that was incurred when she escaped from her entry plug. Blood oozed out in three small trails. The blood was swept in the rain, and washed off the snowy alabaster plains of her cheeks. However, it was nothing compared to the injury the Third Child had suffered.  
  
"Yes. He told me that... 'When things just got to be too much... I'd sit down and play for hours." As he spoke his former teacher's words, in his mind he could see the man himself speak them. Except, his voice had replaced the equally soft tone of Mr. Ueda. "He passed it down to me... And it works... Sometimes."He paused for a moment, and turned his head to gaze at her."Sometimes, things get to me so much, I can't concentrate. But, I'm still grateful for his gift."  
  
If Rei had another question, it was not contributed to the conversation, for Shinji briskly continued. "Sometimes he'd wake up me up in the middle of the night. He'd have the large black case that contained my cello. He'd have me play for hours, sometimes until the sun would rise... It got to the point when he no longer had to ask. I'd simply sit at the edge of my bed and play."  
  
"That is strange, is it not?" She questioned him. These were the kinds of questions that made Shinji question what exactly Rei was.  
  
"Yes, it is. I think hearing someone play just for him relaxed him. He needed to feel something real. Something that no one could take away from him."  
  
---------  
  
"You've been summoned because Tokyo 3 is at risk from an apparent Angel attack." The voice said coldly, appearing to come from every corner of the dark room. Shinji could not remember ever being in such a room... There was just something about it that made him feel uneasy.  
  
To start off, there seemed to be no end to the room. The darkness spanned into an endless horizon, that was really there. He was puzzled how he and the other pilots could be illuminated without a direct sourced of light. The only thing visible to Shinji were the two other pilots that stood beside him. 'Rei... Asuka... Me.. First, second, third... As always...' Shinji thought, his eyes staring downward.. 'I can't even see the floor... How is that... possible?'  
  
Another thing was the voice. Shinji had never heard it before, and that struck him as odd. Usually it was someone he knew that gave the orders... Misato... Dr. Akagi, and so on. It also bothered him that he couldn't see the speaker. The voice was dull, and cold. There was no slip in the speaker's speech. Each syllable was spoken in the same rhythm as well as tone. It was undeniably a male's voice.  
  
Lastly, what probably bothered him most, was his father. He sat a good twenty feet in front of him, slightly lower then the trio of pilots. A rectangular panel of pure white light served as a desk, casting shadows on his face. He sat with his elbows on the panel, hands folded with his chin propped slightly against it. A gloved digit stroked idly at his cheek. The eyes that pierced through his shaded glasses were intense as ever.  
  
"The target is approaching the city from the West, and should make contact at '10.00' hours. You have an hour to prepare." The voice said, as plain as ever.  
  
"Has a strategy been devised?" Rei asked softly. Rei's voice struck Shinji as a perfect match to the omniscient one giving the orders.  
  
"No. You, the Evangelion Pilots, will make the first contact. Your training should prompt your decisions to be suitable on the battlefield."  
  
"What!?" Cried Asuka, stepping out from the perfect line of pilots. "That's insane! It's like shooting in the dark!" Shinji had no idea what she was worked up over... there was nothing new about heading out... In fact, they usually had some crackpot strategy thought out by Misato anyway. No matter. 'Intercept. Engage. Kill.'  
  
Shinji glanced to the left, as he had the strange feeling of being watched. '...What is that?' There was something there, he knew it. He gazed at it, until he noticed the hint of a small blue flame. He shifted his head to the left, and noticed more of the same. He turned around subtly, as not to draw attention, and still found more. 'Seven...' He had counted them all.  
  
"That is all." The voice spoke, and then there was silence. Gendo Ikari gazed at the three pilots in unison, his eyes as cold as steel. He finally spoke, his voice as casual as ever.  
  
"This is not only a take of the aspirations of NERV, but that of humanity." The white panel dissapeared, and once again silence. Pangs of uncertainty created havoc in his stomach. He had never been so nervous.  
  
---------  
  
"Launch Evangelions!" Shouted the captain with violet hair. Black heels clicked as she stepped back, arms crossing over her supple chest. 'Come on... Shinji.'  
  
The three units screeched up the rails, sparks flying every which way. There ascent in perfect unison, as they were separated into three posts.  
  
'Rei... Asuka... Me.'  
  
Shinji was crouched and ready behind a high-rise, a large shotgun grasped in the purple unit's hand. Out of the corner his eye he could see Rei crouched and poised in a similar position. She, as well as Asuka, had the usual rifle.  
  
Asuka was at the center of the triangle, further out then the rest. A confident smirk played upon her cherubic features. "You two won't be needed." She looked at the other pilots via the small monitors in her unit. "Leave it to the Great Sohryu."  
  
The day itself, aside from the previous events, did in fact seem ordinary. The sky was a startling blue. It hurt Shinji's eyes to look at it for too long. The cicadas chirped incessantly as always, as if each was a small electric generator. Clouds hung lazily in the air, though a front seemed to be coming from the left. 'Those dark clouds in the West... That's where it is... I know it.'  
  
  
  
It came sooner. The breeze that had been constant for the time they spent in waiting suddenly ceased. In front of the Unit 02 the figure appeared. There wasn't a warning, it simply fell from the sky, where it had glided as bird on the updrafts and thermals over the ocean, then land. It was beautiful. What appeared to be a black cloak clung over it's yellow armor. It had similar facial features to an Eva. There were two spheres of hued crimson, which scanned rapidly. Streaks of neon lime dripped from the spoken eyes, dripping down to the mouth of the creature. The teeth were of an onyx hue, that green liquid dripping out of it's mouth. A drop was caught in the wind. It was carried to the earth where it came in contact with a blue car. Immediately the roof was eaten away.  
  
Acid.  
  
Shinji was not aware of the creature's arrival until he heard the scream. "Asuka!?" He reared his head from behind the building, staring in horror at the scene.  
  
The Angel had spewed a sea of acid onto the red Unit 02, as it was now writhing in pain. The outer shields of the mecha were being eaten away as it stumbled backwards, caught it's stance, and charged forward. "Bastard! Ich beende Sie!" Asuka cried, shooting rounds off her rifle rapidly.  
  
The creature caught hold of the weapon, and flung it to the side. The next few moves were done in quick succession. Claws gripped the red mecha by the neck, and spat another spray of acid into it's face. It lifted the Evangelion off the ground, and swept at the umbilical cord with it's elbow. The electric source was then severed, where it retracted, smashing into abandoned that littered the vacant street. Another elbow was delivered to Asuka's midsection. She sat helpless, trying to make her Unit respond... But with the damage done, it was hopeless.  
  
The creature let the unit fall backwards, where it landed promptly into a warehouse, crushing the building on contact.  
  
The rain that Shinji had foresaw in the clouds started, as the clouds loomed menacingly above. The target stood motionless, letting the crystalline droplets of water wash over it's body.  
  
Shinji then realized why the simple blows from the elbow had done so much damage. The wind had started to blow again with the rain, and the black cloak billowed. Attached to each elbow was a long, curved blade, red in color.  
  
Shinji stood stunned, so Rei took the initiative. She shot her rifle, taking cover behind the building where she had crouched. The beast dodged each of the bullets, twirling around and setting sail to the cloak, as if performing some elaborate magic trick.  
  
It then lunged forward, scaling the building in an easy bound. The first few floors were crushed under the weight. Rei fell onto her back, shooting crazily above at the attacker. It absorbed the shots as if the previous elusive actions were in vain.  
  
  
  
10  
  
The creature descended upon it's prey, planting each of it's feet on either side.  
  
9  
  
Claws dug into the shoulders of Unit 00.  
  
8  
  
It drew it's head down closer to the fallen mecha.  
  
7  
  
Jaws unhinged, opening it's mouth the full capacity.  
  
6  
  
Acid churned out from where normally saliva glands would be located.  
  
5  
  
The liquid slithered through it's mouth, being channeled by it's sooty tongue, which resembled a snake.  
  
4  
  
The liquid poured onto Unit 00 facade, destroying any obscurities.  
  
3  
  
It savored the pain it put it's victim through, watching the involuntary convulsions.  
  
2  
  
It swung it's elbow back, taking aim.  
  
1  
  
It brought down the curved blade, slamming it into the sinewy mechanisms of the area between Rei's shoulder and neck.  
  
"REI!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Shinji snapped out of it But it was too late, power had left, and everything was dark... Except for the silver droplets of rain that fell between a void, separating him from Rei. He could make out the creature over Rei, ravaging it with quick elbow thrusts.  
  
'Rei... Asuka... Me.'  
  
  
  
A primordial screech bellowed from the Unit 01. Rounds from the shotgun exploded at an amazing rate. The consecutiveness of the shots would lead one to believe the firearm was an automatic. The Angel tried it's best to avoid the blows, but it was not quick enough, and the bullets pierced it's protective armor, causing it to howl in pain. The shotgun overheated and then jammed and was quickly discarded. The progressive knife was then unsheathed.  
  
It raced forward at an alarming rate. Ruined building lay in wake of it's path, fires ablaze as well. It lunged into the air, catching the creature off guard. It slammed both it's feet into it's chest, slamming it to the ground beside the fallen Unit 01. The berserk purple Unit gave the Angel a thunderous thrust with the knife, pulled the knife back and yet another thrust was give of equal force. The amount of times it stabbed the beast bordered on redundancy, but one fatal shot hit the core, causing an explosion worth of an N2 Bomb.  
  
  
  
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Rei was the first to escape from the tubular confines of entry plug. She stumbled onto the rubble, staggering slightly. LCL dripped off of her, and was washed away in the pouring rain.  
  
She found the figure of Unit 01 hunched over her, the crater where the Angel had once been was not too far off either. She gazed up with some admiration, noting the size of the Evangelion from such a low focas point. She walked cautiously towards it, and then spotted a white blur slightly protruding from behind a concrete wall.  
  
She gasped and let a slight yelp of pain as she pulled the hatch off the entry plug with her gloved hands. She grimaced, balling her hands in small fists. She poked her head into the plug, looking down at Shinji.  
  
"Ikari-kun." She stared at him. He was curled up as if a fetus engorged in placenta inside a mother's womb. She shook him, and then grasped him by his underarms, pulling him out.  
  
"Get up, Ikari-kun..." She spoke, gazing down at him. She had her head tilted to one side, worrying that his injuries may be serious.  
  
The first sight Shinji would see was Rei, hovering over him like an angel. He blinked softly, water droplets burning his eyes. He sat up, and winced in, clutching his left shoulder.  
  
"Are you all right?"  
  
"I think so... Just... Just my shoulder..."  
  
"You have probably dislocated it. You will survive."  
  
With that she helped him up, and allowed him to bolster himself against her as they walked. They reached a small summit, small fires were extinguished by the rain.  
  
"Tell me..." Rei looked at him, concerned for his well being, of course. "Tell me about you... Before we met." She had to keep him talking, lest he go into shock.  
  
"... A... All right... Rei." She had never asked him such a question.. And he was still reeling from the battle. "But... Where do I start..?"  
  
"Start from what you remember first."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
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Author's Note  
  
Ah, so here it is. My first fan fiction. What'd you think? Please, give me your reviews! BTW, I claim no ownership of the Evangelion characters. GAINAX owns all rights to the characters. Also, this chapter is dedicated to V!  
  
-Albedo 


	2. Watch the Weather Change

The Way I Am  
  
Chapter 2: Watch the Weather Change  
  
  
  
Commander Ikari was poised behind his desk, staring intently at the computer screen before him. It was small, and if standing opposite him, appeared nothing more then a small round contour upon his otherwise vacant black desk. It had a network link with the three ultra-computers as well as the central dogma. Everything could be accessed from the comfort of his cool, dry office.  
  
"...This cannot be correct." He said in bland disbelief, gloved digits raising to adjust the lens that sat upon his short nose.  
  
His arms slowly slid back upon the rests of his chair, which he gripped tightly afterwards. He swiveled to the right, shooting his icy glare out the picture windows which lined his office. He reclined and a sigh escaped his lips. "But, it must be so. They are never incorrect."  
  
---------  
  
The days seemed to have absolutely no end and no beginning. Regardless if the scorching sun was blinding into his room, or the moon portrayed it's elegance above him, Shinji Ikari did not venture from his room. Save, of course, for bathroom needs, as far and few as they had become.  
  
Adorning his small frame were a pair of loose navy blue shorts. Usually when lounging about, he liked clothes that obscured exactly how scrawny his undeveloped form was. ...Yet another reason the plug suit was awkward. A bandage encircled his torso, ending precisely where his ribs did internally. Another bandage was situated upon his left shoulder. His injuries were more serious then a simple dislocation.  
  
'Misato would say, 'You can't stay here forever, Shinji.' But... She doesn't. I don't understand her at all. It's better this way, though... I'll... I'll go back when I'm ready... Not like it matters, though.'  
  
Dark cobalt eyes stared absently at the ceiling. Stereophones snaked across his bandaged body, leading up, and then splitting to each ear.  
  
'I remember this song... I mean... I remember where I was when I first heard it... I..' He thought for a moment until it popped in his head. 'In the grocery store... before I moved into the apartment.'  
  
'Then...'  
  
---------  
  
'His door... That baka.' She stared quietly at the door, sitting cross-legged. Those small green shorts softly creeping up vanilla thighs as she shifted, and slowly got up to her feet.  
  
She trudged into the kitchen, a few glasses by the sink clinking from each thud of a rather heavy footstep. She gripped the handle of the fridge tightly, and swung it open, causing the various bottles of condiments as well as the exuberant amount of beer canisters to rattle. From the wide variety of beverage choices (Actually, there was only beer, water, and juice.) she plucked a can of fruit punch from within.  
  
It was popped open, a gulp was taken, and then it was slammed on the counter. She huffed and leaned against the fridge, fiddling furiously with her yellow tank top before shooting a glare at her guardian seated at the table. "What are you looking at?"  
  
"...You should be lucky you aren't seriously hurt. Shinji wasn't even attacked by that... that freak... and he walked away with a cracked rib and a dislocated shoulder.." She seemed almost melancholy, very uncharacteristic of the somewhat bubbly alcoholic.  
  
"Don't even talk about that baka! ...It wasn't anything... Just the Unit 2's superiority on the battlefield." She was still glaring, though it let up. She stepped over to the table, sat down on the floor beside Misato. The woman and the girl.  
  
"Why aren't you making him go to school? ...Tomorrow will be his sixth day absent this week." She asked, wishing she had remembered to bring her drink, though she was too lazy to retrieve it.  
  
"He's earned it... Sometimes I forget what you kids are going through... It just happens when things heat up. I forget that you actually are children."  
  
"Don't make excuses for him..." She said, turning her head took look at her. Misato's hands were on her knees, soothing the smooth skin, her eyes tracing over the intricate grains on the low table idly.  
  
"I'm not... He's just trying to juggle so many things right now. He broke down when he was in the ambulance after we recovered him with Rei. ..I...I've never..." She trailed off. She couldn't tell Asuka that. 'I've never seen him cry before...'  
  
She ignored the fact that Misato just trailed off. "Oh right, I forgot that he was such a great student." She rolled her eyes, hands folded on the table in front of her.  
  
"I've seen your recent report card, too, Ms. University." Misato smirked, feeling a little bit better now.. 'Maybe I should talk to Shinji... I usually do, don't I?'  
  
"Ugh! So this is what your like when you're not plastered!?" She yelled, standing up from the table, exiting the room. She walked briskly to her door and slammed the door shut. The sliding paper door nearly bounced off it's track, coming partly ajar after ramming into the pane.  
  
Truth was, she was always like this. "Asuka... You don't have to be so emotional..." She grumbled softly. She sighed and hunched over, placing an elbow on the table while propping her chin up on an opened palm.  
  
---------  
  
Misato's daydreaming was interrupted by a faint knock at the door, followed by the buzzer sounding. She got up, cleaning off invisible dirt from her shorts, and walked to the door. She gripped the handle, and pulled the door open.  
  
"Rei? What're you doing here?" She questioned in surprise, standing there, slightly shiver from the sensation of her bare feet on the cool tiled floor.  
  
"I came to see Ikari-kun. The Second Child forgot to return with his work. I have the printout presently." She spoke quickly. Well, quickly for Rei, that is. The paper was held between both her hands in front of her stomach.  
  
"Oh... Well, I'll give it to him." She said slowly, reaching her hand out to accept the paper.  
  
"I would like to give it to him myself, if that is all right." Rei answered, ignoring the outreached hand.  
  
"I don't know.. He's..Well, I suppose he could use a visitor. Come in." Misato smiled and stepped out of the way, allowing the girl to enter. '...She's acting strange. Strange for Rei, at least.'  
  
"Thank you." She stepped inside, slipping off her shoes next to the others. She looked up at Misato with some uncertainty.  
  
"Oh! It's right down the hall. The door with the plaque." It was a good thing she said that, as Asuka would not appreciate a visit at the moment. Or no time soon if it was anyone other then Kaji, for that matter.  
  
---------  
  
Shinji sat up when he heard the soft knock, a sharp pain generated by his ribs caused him to wince. He pulled the headphones out of his ears. The SDAT played without a listener.  
  
'Should I answer it...?'  
  
He wasn't sure what possessed him to, but he forced himself to his feet and stepped and opened the door. "Rei?"  
  
Rei gazed at his face for a moment, then took note of his bandages. "May I come in?"  
  
"Uh... Yes! Come in." His eyes were squinted, as he was not used to the bright light which resided in the rest of the house. He opened the door wider for her, though she could have easily passed at the degree it had been open anyway.  
  
In place, she stepped a small circle, taking time to briefly look at everything that occupied his dark room. "Your homework assignment." She said, walking to his desk. She placed the piece of paper there, and turned to him.  
  
"Oh. Thanks." He nodded, walking over to his desk as well. He turned the paper to better suit his view, two fingers skimming over the brief outline.  
  
"It is nothing." And that was left at that.  
  
His face began to grow warm, as he could feel those red eyes on his face. He peeked out of the corner of his eye, and then slowly turned his head to look at her. "Ah..! .. er.. I.." He was surprised at how close she was now, as she had apparently moved while he was reading. His eyes locked with hers, stunned as if a deer in headlights. He moved his gaze quickly, looking at her face before looking down to study the now amazingly interesting floor.  
  
"What is wrong?" She asked, looking to his face in apparent puzzlement.  
  
"Nothing.. Just surprised, that's all." Rouge rushed to the crests of each of his cheeks, standing out in contrast to his somewhat tan skin.  
  
She reached up and placed her hand on his shoulder. Her four fingers were on the bandage, while her thumb was brushing against the crook of his neck and shoulder. Her eyes sought out his reaction. She studied his face, and then averted her gaze down to the shoulder itself, to examine the bandage.  
  
He jumped when she touched him, though not out of pain, but out of surprise. 'She's.. She's never touched me before.' She had struck him once and he had fallen on her... But never had her skin came in gentle contact with his. His cheeks burned now, his eyes shakily looking at her face.  
  
"It does not hurt?"  
  
"No..."  
  
"Why were your ribs attended to? You injured them as well?"  
  
"Yes... They don't hurt much, either." He lied... But he really had no control of what he was doing now anyway.  
  
Her hand slowly left, falling down to her side. She stepped backwards, eyes consciously on his face the whole while. "Will you attend school tomorrow, Ikari-kun?"  
  
"...I think I'm ready." He said, watching her. 'She's acting so strange... Well, for her.' He sat on the lip of his desk, his cheeks starting to calm since she was no longer so close.  
  
"I'll see you then." With that she turned around, opening the door and closing it gingerly behind her.  
  
"All right then..." A little late.  
  
---------  
  
He sat on his desk for sometime, discussing in his mind the reason for Rei's odd behavior. After twenty minutes, still with no conclusion, he crawled into his bed. He thought, while staring at the ceiling, of how she looked in the dark lighting of his room. Her and hair almost had a silver glow to them. 'She looked like a ghost... No... an... angel.' He could still feel her soft touch on his neck. Even if it was accidental, he still felt it.  
  
"I'm ready."  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Author's Note  
  
Touching in Japan is usually reserved only for lovers. That's why you usually won't see a lot of hugging at the gates of their Aiports. Anyway. This chapter doesn't have as much action as the first, and I don't think the third chapter will, either. Remember to review.  
  
-Albedo 


	3. Within You Without You

The Way I Am  
  
Chapter 3: Within You Without You  
  
The snow was as deep as it always was. The declines and inclines or amount of shrubbery in a particular area didn't change this. An endless overcast, only a few shades different from the field of powder, mapped the sky. The time of day was uncertain, and left one to believe that such a property didn't even exist in this realm. Time had no place here. It simply was. Past, present, and future merged. The present was the future that just happened. A proverbial Catch-22 was to spend your present, and later future thinking about the past. Even if a Catch-22 wasn't actually a proverb.  
  
The atmosphere here was frigid and still. It seemed each step liberated one's self from suspended animation. The snow itself didn't even appear to be snow. There wasn't the water-rich saturation, or that ear pleasing 'crunch'. It simply was a sterile, gelid obstacle.  
  
---------  
  
"I remember that day quite clearly..." The class ignored the elderly teacher, as usual. Even Hikari found herself distracted from the lesson, as she was chatting away with Asuka.  
  
"Ugh! Look at that idiot. First day back and he's already returned to his stupidity." Asuka said to Hikari with mild repulse.  
  
"And why does it bother you?" A hint of a grin formed on the brunette's freckled face.  
  
"It doesn't! I'm just concerned. One of them is dense enough." She huffed, and then added quickly."Put them together and a gash in the space- time continuum could occur."  
  
"...Right." The other girl said softly, muffling a small laugh with her hand.  
  
---------  
  
Shinji had been staring at Rei while she in turn gazed out the window. 'She was so different last night,' he thought, tilting his head to the side. 'But now she's just the same. Maybe it was just the medication they had given me... Rei probably acted no different then usual... But that doesn't even make sense! Why would she act like that, even if I was on drugs? ...That wouldn't change anything... and everyone else seemed normal.'  
  
His head began to ring in pain from the numerous thoughts that barraged his brain, all at once vying for his undivided attention. He broke off the gaze that he had held, and lay his head upon his cool desk. He closed his eyes slowly, allowing them to rest as well as possibly clear his head.  
  
---------  
  
'Now the baka is probably dreaming of her.' This time she kept her 'Shinji-observations' to herself. Piercing blue eyes, an excellent contrast to her fiery tresses, watched the boy silently. Hikari was scolding the other two stooges, as there subtle argument had increased in volume, until Touji was about to lunge at Kensuke. Just some adolescent fun.  
  
The teacher's rambling was a background clamor. It was like a subliminal message, though what it was suggesting, if anything, was unclear. But, everyone seemed to enjoy this class. Most students worked on some homework, or talked with friends.  
  
The Third Impact had resulted not only in the destruction of the old man's seaside hometown, but the student's respect for him. He was a mediocre teacher to begin with, but at least then they would sit quietly, and even take notes. Here, what he was teaching was common knowledge.  
  
His frailty and experience didn't add a sage-like essence to the material. He was a relic of a time when such studies seemed remotely important. The students, even if they tried, could not relate to him. And so he taught his pointless class, and yet another day fell into the sea of seldom originality.  
  
---------  
  
Rei found herself in the snow once again. It was cold, but she felt it nice. The snow came up to her mid-shin area. As she usually did when she first arrived, she crouched down and picked up a small handful of snow. She cupped it in her hands, as if it held great value. She manipulated it into a small, nearly circular ball, and then dropped it.  
  
The first step was the hardest. She lifted her left foot out of the snow, small clumps clinging to the ridge of her black sock and the top of her small shoe, and then set it down a few inches in front of her. A similar step was taken with her right. She advanced slowly, until her body was used to the adverse conditions of the wasteland.  
  
She looked at the trees that surrounded her. The majority of them were oak and pine. Thick clumps of snow clung to the branches, weighing them down like a waiter bussing too many plates at once. The trees were dense, so veering off the path that lay ahead seemed pointless.  
  
If she were to turn around, she knew what to expect, as she had done it every so often. There were trees. The path started from nowhere. The trees seemed thicker, and briars were a barrier that stopped dead the thought of entering.  
  
So she ventured off from the wooded dead-end, breathing the cold air fully into her lungs. She enjoyed the way a small burning sensation would follow each breath of icy air. She walked slowly, but she was starting to become used to the place once again. Now faster steps could be taken.  
  
There were never any tracks. And this made perfect sense, as another creature was never spotted here by the girl. There was some disappointment in this at the first discovery, as she did enjoy watching animals. But she had grown used to it, and now the idea of a hare scurrying past her was thought of as absurd.  
  
Her school uniform swished against her body with each step. Her eyes took in each detail as she progressed to new areas. She had traveled the path hundreds of times, but to her, not a thing was insignificant. The path was relatively level, until a large right turn was taken. Then there was sharp incline of a hill. She climbed it, her hands burying into the snow to grip unto a root of a nearby tree. After hoisting herself up, she cleared her skirt of snow. She stood straight, catching her breath, looking to the next scene with untamed curiosity as well as a sense of excitement.  
  
---------  
  
"Okay, deal, Hikari. I'll pay for after school if you can beat me," The redhead wore a smirk, and then added, "Like that will ever happen."  
  
The two girls dived off the two platforms, Asuka making the smaller splash of the two. The other girls who were waiting in line or taking a break cheered them on. It was safe to say, few remained loyal to the Class Representative.  
  
Shinji's slender legs carried him around the track as fast as he had ever been. His sneakers scraped the rough texture of the field, making perfect traction. The wind scattered his short brown bangs in every direction, clearing the view for his blue eyes. The white shirt he wore rippled in the breeze he created. The climate today was as hot as ever, but running seemed to cool him.  
  
He did his best to concentrate on the task on hand, running, but no matter how hard he tried, he could not stop thinking of Rei. Rei would occasionally pop into his head, but today the Pilot of 00 happened to be a constant thought. He'd clear his head of her for a brief moment, and then while running, he'd notice how the trim of the shirt he was wearing resembled her eyes. Or how today's sky was one with the same hue as her hair.  
  
"Hey! What's with you today! I've never seen you run that fast!" A gasp for air stood in between the words 'that' and 'fast'. Touji had tried to keep up with Shinji, but could not even get five steps behind him. The funny thing was, Touji prided himself as an athlete.  
  
"I don't know... I wasn't even really thinking of how fast I was going..." Shinji had turned around, wiping a thin film of perspiration from his face with his forearm. Afterwards, he stood with his hands at his side, waiting for Touji to catch his breath. 'Was I running that fast...?'  
  
Kensuke had given up already, and was standing at the linked fence, staring up longingly to the bathing-suit clad girls. Touji walked over to him when he was ready, Shinji right behind him.  
  
The Three Stooges stood in a row, behind the fence which seperated them from their female classmates. Shinji lifted both of his hands, digits curling about the links. His eyes scanned the crowd of girls, all he needed to do was roughly skim over their heads. 'Where is she...? She shouldn't be so hard to find.' Alas, he finally did find her. He could barely make out her form on the platform, awaiting to dive.  
  
"Trying to impress someone, weren't you?" Shinji turned his head to face Touji, who gave him a playful punch to his shoulder, perfectly aware of his injury. Shinji rubbed his arm softly while Touji continued. "Who was it, though?"  
  
"I bet it's Asuka! He's fell in love with his nurse." Kensuke grinned, laughing jubilantly.  
  
"No! Asuka didn't help me at all... And besides, it's not her." Shinji stammered, stepping down from the fence to sit down. He brought his knees up, hugging them with his arms.  
  
"Aha! So you admit you were trying to impress someone!" Touji laughed, plopping down beside him. Kensuke sat down on the other side of Shinji. He was trapped.  
  
"N..No! I wasn't!" Shinji could feel his cheeks growing hot, and it wasn't from the blazing sun above. They could always tell when he was hiding something. In fact, most people would. He stumbled over words frequently, he was visually nervous, and some people, such as Misato, Touji, and Kensuke, had developed a unique skill that they could actually smell when he was lying.  
  
"It's probably Ayanami. Today I saw him staring at her for almost twenty minutes!" Kensuke said to Touji, leaning back and sneaking a quick glance back up at the girls before looking back to the other two boys. He took special interest in Shinji's expressions, which always gave him a good laugh.  
  
"Well, is that it?" Touji probed, an amused sneer on his face. He loved to see his friend suffer.  
  
"I-- No! I was just looking out the window." He looked down at the ground, praying that the period would end soon, even if he knew it wasn't.  
  
The other boys had their laugh at his expense, and left him alone. They turned around, neither of them talking as they watched the girls.  
  
"She's got such a great body... I can't believe this idiot gets to sleep in the same house as both Misato and Asuka, and all he ever does his stay in his room!" Touji said in envy as well as disbelief.  
  
"If you knew them as well as I, you'd stay in your room, too." Surprisingly, everyone got a laugh out of Shinji's words, even Shinji, just a little. He turned around as the other boys had, and looked for that certain pilot. His eyes briefly watched Asuka. She stood in a cocky pose, hip out and a hand upon it. She was talking to Hikari who was nearby, bending over to inspect something on the ground. Touji whistled, and Kensuke laughed. Shinji sighed and glanced to the corner. Rei sat alone, back against the fence. Her head was tilted inwardly, her arms loosely wrapped around her knees.  
  
---------  
  
The brightness as well as openness of the clearing never failed to amaze here. Rei looked both left and right, it was always something to see the thick woods end evenly at this point. She stepped forward into the clearing. The large field was tilted upwards, as the tree lining was the base of a hill. The snow seemed thicker here, but her legs were now warm and at this point nothing would stop her.  
  
The horizon was visible on either side, so it was pointless to look at anything except ahead. Small puffs of steam escaped her mouth, which was left open as her breathing rate increased. The long trek upwards always was the hardest part. It wasn't a particularly steep incline, it was simply long and drug out.  
  
She was relieved when she spotted the creek, as she knew that the hill would end soon enough. The creek led down the hill and turned sharply to her right and off into the distance. She wasn't sure where it led, if anywhere. She knelt down beside it, looking down into it. Her reflection was not visible, just the blanket of cloud above. 'Silver...'  
  
She took the last step, and paused, turning around. The trees were no longer visible, and everything was covered in a hazy silver smoke. Rei held her hands out to it, but felt nothing but the air. She looked down, and her last footstep had already dissipated. She sighed and turned back around, continuing her journey.  
  
---------  
  
"You going to eat any of that?" Touji didn't wait for a reply and dug right into Shinji's lunch. The only thing Shinji bothered to take from it was the small canister of juice. He sipped it leisurely, his mind, like most instances, was completely somewhere else.  
  
'Why do I keep thinking of her? It's never been like this... Ever since she touched me last night...'  
  
Last night had been longer then normal, as he couldn't fall asleep. He spent the night at first staring at the ceiling, and then tossing and turning. No position could comfort be found for the boy, but eventually his body grew exhausted with its own restlessness and it faded into slumber.  
  
Since Shinji was now under surveillance by Kensuke and Touji, he dare not continue his casual 'Rei-Observing'. But, as he averted his gaze from the freshly wiped chalkboard, he snuck a quick peek at her. She sat alone as usual, stoic as ever. Sun poured in from the window, glinting off her spotless desk. He uniform rustled with a soft gust that shot up from the window that was slightly open. But in the split second that he stole a look, all that was visible was the pair of rubies which focused on the window.  
  
"Are you sick or something, Shinji?" Asked Touji, his mouth full of half chewed food.  
  
"Just a little hot, that's all." He could feel the sweat forming on his forehead, as well as his cheeks growing hot.  
  
"Right." Said both Kensuke and Touji in unison, equally rolling their eyes as well.  
  
"But, anyway, my Dad said that next Sunday he could take us up to the mountains. Actually, we'd end up leaving Saturday when hell--"  
  
"Touji!" Yelled the Rep from behind.  
  
"...I mean, when school gets out." He shot a glare back at Hikari, who had already sat down to continue her meal with Asuka.  
  
"Wow, that sounds great!" Kensuke exclaimed, swallowing the rest of his food before continuing. "I'll have an excellent chance to improve my guerilla warfare tactics."  
  
"So, are you up for it, Shinji?" Touji looked at Shinji as he crumpled up the various wrappers around him into a fist-sized ball.  
  
"..What? I.." He thought about it for a moment. He did enjoy to occasionally walk in the woods, where there were woods, that is. But... "I don't think I can."  
  
"Why?" Touji questioned, looking slightly disappointed.  
  
"Well, the same reason I didn't get to go to Okinawa. I'm always on active-duty." He explained, slowly prying the top nub off of his juice can.  
  
"Yeah, but the mountains aren't that far at all! They're really just outside of the city.. If an Angel attacked, it'd only take.. An hour or so to get back. Besides," He leaned his chair back on its hind legs and took a shoot for the garbage basket. The ball teetered on the rim of the basket before falling in. "You could use a vacation."  
  
---------  
  
She stood staring at the cabin. The wood was weathered and dry, looking much like driftwood. The glass windows were small and black. The strange light that lit the snow-world sought no further past them. The door was small and didn't seem like an entryway at all. The door was as black as the windows, bolts riveted bindings originating from the left hinges. The handle was smaller than usual, and didn't seem capable of opening the fixture. Snow snugly fit the gutter-less roof, enclosing around the lifeless brick chimney. The cabin put on a poker face, allowing no one to peer into the depths within. Her eyes left cabin as she walked to the end of the line.  
  
The lone tree directly before the cliff was the only to be found after the forest. It was small, a little shorter then Rei. It had the circumference of about three inches or so, and had a very smooth gray bark. Rei placed her pale hand on it, stroking its skin gently. She progressed towards the top, where bare branches spouted. She blinked in surprise at what she found there.  
  
Her hand reached up, and from a particularly thin branch, she prodded a lone green leaf. It was about the size of an almond. She probed it, unsure if it really was a leaf. She felt the texture of it between her thumb and index finger gently. She looked at it for a few more moments, and then retracted her hand back to her side. One last look, and then she turned and proceeded to the cliff.  
  
  
  
The precipice. It ended abruptly a few yards from the lonely cabin. Here she would slowly approach it, taking each step as if it were her last. She savored it. She came to the edge, her toes reaching off just a bit. She tilted her head down, and gazed at the perpetual blackness in dysphoria. It was thick and vacant at the same time. She reached out both her hands in an attempt to harness it... But no such luck. She took one last step, and the winter world rushed upwards without her. Here hair stood up, as did her skirt. She was falling, but there wasn't any were to fall. She was standing, but there wasn't anywhere to stand.  
  
'There's nothing after this... I don't exist anywhere after here... Nothing does.'  
  
---------  
  
The day had ended, and those chosen to clean the classroom did so. Shinji, bucket in hand, was washing the chalkboard. Kensuke and Touji wiped the floor with mops, each starting from opposite corners of the room. Rei was in charge of the desks. Asuka was there as well, but she was simply waiting for the 'idiot' because she had 'no one better to walk home with'.  
  
  
  
With two rags and a small bucket, Rei walked to each desk. One rag was dipped in the warm, soapy water and then was used to wipe the desk clean. The other was used to dry. After this, she placed the bucket on the ground, and hung each of the rags on the handle. She then slowly pulled the chair on top of the desk. This process was repeated.  
  
Shinji's job was much simpler, though he did it slowly anyway. He squeezed a wet rag until it was damp, and then reached up to the top of the board. He dragged the rag down, leaving behind a perfect streak. He sidestepped, and did it again.  
  
After washing it twice, brought his bucket to the sink, washed it, and returned it to the closet. He sighed softly and walked out the door, an already impatient and agitated Asuka following after. Shinji didn't looked forward to the walk, no one liked to walk in the usual oven that was the city streets.  
  
---------  
  
The classroom was empty when Rei finally got to her desk. She wet the rag, rung out the water, and was about to wipe the last desk when she noticed something. The rag fell into the buck once more with a splash. She reached down and picked up the small piece of folded, creamy paper. She opened it, and read the black handwriting.  
  
The words were read over and over again, until she had committed every bend left behind by the pen to her memory. She thought of all possible meanings of the words, but only came down to one conclusion.  
  
She was equally frightened as well as pleased with it, or at least that's how she understood her current feelings. She refolded the paper, and then opened it. The words still read the same. She folded it again and left it that way. She held it in her right hand, as she looked out the window.  
  
  
  
Rei.  
  
I like you.  
  
Ikari.  
  
---------  
  
Her body quivered. First her eyes opened, and she rose to a sitting position. Then her legs came up as well. She cleared them off powder, and did so to her hair as well. She was below the tree with the single leaf. The sky welcomed her the same way it ushered her out of the world. She hoisted her self up, and retraced the steps that were no longer there.  
  
You can't.  
  
"I.."  
  
You can't.  
  
"I..."  
  
You can't.  
  
"I can... I know... I can! I will!"  
  
---------  
  
The cabin seemed completely different. The logs were no longer dry and brittle, but broad and supple. The door was tall and the handle was larger, its brass giving off a nice sheen. The snow was still there, but seemed to compliment the arrangement nicely this time. Smoke puffed out of the chimney, and Rei had now been introduced to the sultry smell of burning pine. The windows here of an orange tint, warm and inviting  
  
She approached the building, each step harder then the last. Finally, she stood before the door. Her hand was clasping the cold knob firmly. She took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and opened the door.  
  
After stepping in she quickly closed the door behind her. Her eyes remained closed, and opened at a strange sensation.  
  
'My clothes...?'  
  
She stood naked in the cabin, her uniform nowhere to be found. She looked away from her nude body, and to the cabin's interior.  
  
The cabin was really one large room. The floor was of shiny, lacquered wooden planks. There were no rafters, or any other method which would be used to hold up the roof. The walls were as bare as the floors, though they lacked the shine. The room was only lit by the flame in the fireplace, but that was not easily seen.  
  
A figure stood before fire, its naked body facing the fire.. Rei didn't have to squint to make out who it was. Rei crossed the room, her bare feet not making a sound on the warm floorboards.  
  
Standing behind him, watching the flames dance on his taut skin. His faint scent filled her head. Her body slowly came closer, and a hand rose. It swam through the dim air, and placed itself on his left shoulder.  
  
"Shinji."  
  
  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Author's Note  
  
Yeah, yeah, kind of sappy. The next chapter might take a week or two to get up. Finals are fast approaching and my free time is ever being consumed. How did you like this chapter? I hope it sort of explained why she acted the way she did before. As for the snow, it just reminds me of isolation. The chapter title is a Beatles song, and the chapter before was a lyric in a song by Tool. If you read this, even skim it, you have an obligation to review! :D  
  
-Einzeln 


	4. Be Still My Beating Heart

Be Still My Beating Heart  
  
The wind rushed through the surrounding trees. Leaves shivered as branches swayed to the invisible force. The cicadas droned on endlessly. They were like a thousand small air conditioning units. The technological world could be escaped physically, perhaps not mentally.  
  
The two boys lay in sleeping bags beside a dying fire. Both pair of eyes were fixated on the onyx sky. Silence had taken capture of them since they finished cleaning camp after dinner. Finally Kensuke turned and addressed a topic that had earlier plagued them with silence.  
  
"I just fail to see in the objective you were trying to meet." "Oh shut up, Mr. Commando. I was just..." "Doing him a favor? I'm sure he's real thankful for that." "What...? You think I shouldn't have?" "I'm just saying, you should let Ikari come out on his own terms." "I'm sure that will be sometime soon." "...That's true, Touji."  
  
---------  
  
Sleep came easy to them, as their day had been quite active. Touji's father dropped the two off at the head of the trail around noon. They hiked the path up the steep mountain and into a large green valley. The sun was shielded by overcast, making the day hot and humid. Dew droplets still clung to the high grass. A small forest was scattered over the center of the field and the surrounding hilltops.  
  
After marching down into the forest, the boys hastily set up camp. Touji glanced at his watch.  
  
"It's already Three..." He said in calm disbelief. "That seems about right... It usually takes me about four hours do this hike." Kensuke said while nailing the last stake in the ground. He stood back, eyeing their work with content appreciation.  
  
"Yeah well, I didn't let your lazy ass take a break." Touji grinned and walked over to one of their packs. He took out a large, transparent container with a bright red cap. A small white spout was fitted into the top of the twist off covering.  
  
"Why don't you let me get that? I know exactly where the spring is." Kensuke grabbed it before Touji could object. "Start a fire!" Yelled the boy as he disappeared into the dense vegetation.  
  
They had picked a nice place to camp. A small break in the wood, plus level ground decided it. Touji looked up at the foreboding clouds. 'It's not going to rain... But there's always the threat.' Today, for once, he wasn't dressed in his usual sweat suit. Instead he wore a sleeveless green 'tee' and a pair of baggy khaki cargo pants. Kensuke was wearing his usual, what Touji deemed 'stupid', fatigues.  
  
---------  
  
Dinner was simple. A few pieces of meat and some freeze-dried noodles that Kensuke had brought. They both gobbled them down hungrily. When finished, neither was particularly satisfied. But complaining about it was futile amidst their surroundings.  
  
"...I can't believe you'd actually did that.. talk about a covert operation." The large water jug was tied to a tree. Kensuke was crouched under it, cleaning the small tin bowls and mugs with a rag. The water ran cold, making his fingertips numb. He couldn't believe his friend... Even if he had learned to expect the unexpected.  
  
"...Why do you think this is some sort of crime? ...I'm doing him a favor! You've seen the way he looks at Rei." Touji finished rolling the two sleeping bags out. They decided that the tent was not needed, even if Japan was notorious for spastic showers.  
  
"You're completely ignorant to how insensitive you are. If Shinji-kun wanted Rei to know he liked her, which I'm not sure if he even does, I think he could handle it on his own. He's a pilot after all..." '...Love and war.' Touji was apparently offended by the comments. He sauntered over to his sleeping bag and collapsed on top of it. He spent the rest of the evening throwing a ball in the air to himself while Kensuke carved a small stick into a spear with his pocket knife.  
  
---------  
  
The perpetual clanks of heavy machinery echoed in the background. A thick cloud of limestone residue passed the window. It appeared pink in the setting sun.. Maybe even red. The occupants of the buildings adjacent to the construction were asked to vacate for the day. The blue haired pilot did not obey the simple request.  
  
She sat on her bed, if it could be called a 'bed'. In reality it was just one step above a cot. Regardless, she lay they, staring about at the ceiling. Three words repeated endlessly in her head.  
  
Questions, however, soon arose.  
  
'Like?' What does he mean by 'like'? He could just mean as a 'friend'. But... Why would he write me a note? ...Could he mean more... intimate? ...No.  
  
The feelings were completely foreign to her. She knew not the general contexts of love. Sex was just means of continuing humanity. Love was not part of her childhood, and therefore was absent from her current self.  
  
The note's pencil mark's had faded slightly from the girl running her finger tips endlessly over each character. Currently it was resting, maybe by coincidence, over her left breast. It was slightly wrinkled. It had been folded once for her to place it in it's new home. Yes, it was now kept with elder Ikari's glasses. She let out a sigh... The sky no longer contained the red she despised so much.  
  
---------  
  
Shinji sat nibbling at a small piece of toast. He wasn't hungry. He was tired and miserable. The air conditioning in their apartment had fused out.. and they were left in searing heat. Fans with small plates of ice before them littered the apartment. It didn't help must. So the A/C was out, and last night, for Shinji, was a night of horrible turning fits. He couldn't stay cool, and neither could he find a comfortable sleeping position.  
  
"Where'd you get all those fans...?" Shinji asked Misato, who was nursing a beer on the other side of the small table. Shinji rolled his eyes slightly. "And why do they all have the NERV insignia on them?"  
  
"...Uh... well... You see. You, Asuka, and I are in very important positions. We need rest to fulfill our duties... And since temperature control affects one's ability to maintain a restful state... I saw 'borrowing' the fans perfectly acceptable." She explained with a slightly nervous smile, choosing her words carefully.  
  
"Well, I wish you had 'borrowed' them sooner. I couldn't sleep at all." Shinji sighed and pushed his small plate away. Both slices of bread were intact, with the exception of a corner missing.  
  
"Aww... Poor Third child sleepy?" Asuka smirked, seating her self down on one of the table's ends.  
  
Shinji sighed and rolled his eyes, and was about to say something back to the redhead when Misato interrupted.  
  
"You two hurry and get ready. We have to report to HQ for some simple tests." There was nothing ever simple about the tests at NERV. But the lie, or at least interpretation of the obvious, was meant to comfort them.  
  
---------  
  
Shinji clicked the small button at his wrist. The plug suit fit his lanky form perfect. It embarrassed him to let people see how skinny he was... 'At least it's not in public... Just a few... But your body will mature. Don't stress over it.' The inner voice that usually fed him small tidbits of fear had switched to self confidence and reassurance. However small the amount.  
  
He stepped out of the locker room, only to find Rei waiting for him. His eyes opened slightly wider and his mouth was agape. 'She's smiling.' He quickly regained composure, putting on his goofiest smile.  
  
"Hello, Shinji-kun.."  
  
---------  
  
Asuka gave her hair a tuft and proceeded to walk through the locker room Rei had just vacated. She walked past her fellow female pilot's locker, and came to a quick halt.  
  
'Well... Looks like someone forgot to shut her locker...'  
  
The German girl grinned and swung the door open. Her eyes were glowing with delight.  
  
'Incriminating evidence, perhaps?' She cackled to herself and proceeded to trifle through Rei's belongings.  
  
'UGH! All she has in here is an extra plug suit and her uniform... what's that in the back?' She slowly reached into the locker and extracted a small case. The hinge groaned softly as she opened it. She examined the pair of glasses, commenting to herself that only 'wonder girl' would carry such junk around with her... And then unfolded the small piece of worn paper.  
  
'I like you  
  
Ikari'  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Author's Note  
  
^.^; I bet you guys thought this fic was dead. Well, it's not. This chapter had been floating around in my head for a while. The next chapter may be the last. I'd really like to starting working on a few more Eva fics and non-Eva as well. But this one has really captured my thoughts. How do you like it? Glad to have this next chapter? Any ideas of what might happen? Come on! Review! Tell me! Remember, if you read it, even if you disliked it, please review it. Until next time... And I promise it won't take three months for the next chapter. ^^  
  
Einzeln 


	5. Relation

The Way I Am  
  
Chapter 4: Relation  
Shinji stared glanced nervously down the cold metal hallway. You could be surrounded by a crowd of people, and yet you'd always feel this void within. The thought often filtered into Shinji's head. That is, when the 'daily crisis' was not.  
  
This odd feeling of emptiness was usually only amplified when walking with Rei. Rei was a person, and that certainly wasn't the cause of it. But, there was this feeling she gave off. As if, yes, she is there, but then again, she wasn't. Rei was a soulless vessel, quietly brooding, or appearing to brood, her next mission.  
  
However, this day was quiet out of the ordinary..  
"Oh. H-hi, Ayanami-san." Shinji stammered nervously.  
  
"Rei." She said simply. Her eyes boldly pierced his.  
  
".What?" Shinji asked with an air of uncertainty. 'This plug suit is so tight.' He thought to himself in the duration before her reply, 'I wouldn't be surprised if she could see my heart beating!'  
  
"You can call me Rei, if you like." There was something about her voice that the Third Child couldn't put his finger on. Perhaps there was a hint of emotion. It was too early to tell.  
  
"I see... Ay-Rei. Did you need something?" The question was not meant to be taken as rude, or a plead of her dismissal. Since when did Rei make chit- chat? Since when did Rei do a lot of things that she had done in the last couple of weeks?  
  
The question seemed odd to her. "I just wished to walk with you, Shinji- kun." After all, he was the one who had written the note. He was the one who initiated this.  
  
The idea that Rei had focused her priorities on making his life as awkward as possible was seemingly more and more likely.  
  
He took a few steps out into the hallway, and she soon joined him at his side. He wanted to ask her "Are you feeling well, Rei?"  
  
Of course that type of question would confuse her, he thought. He felt her eyes on his face, and it reddened brightly.  
He's asleep, finally. I guess I shouldn't be angry at him. He just asks me too many questions. I've always hated questions. Questions are for people who don't have time to get to know you naturally. All questions would be answered if they simply patiently got to know me.  
  
But no one wants to meet you anymore. They want to see if you're tractable, lure you into a relationship, and live a meaningless life.  
  
There's this need to perpetuate existence.  
  
It's really coming down. I'm not wearing a raincoat, or any coat for that matter.  
  
I slip into a familiar place. No one greets me, and I greet no one. I take my familiar seat and order my familiar drink.  
  
The whiskey tastes sour in my mouth. I hold it and let it slowly trickle down my throat. I set the glass down and the bartender replenishes it without a word from me. We have this little deal. He doesn't talk to me, and don't talk to him. The one person I like in this place.  
  
I have that odd sensation that someone is watching me. I look over across the dirty bar, and there is a woman smiling at me.  
  
This isn't familiar. She smiles at me for a few more moments, and then gets up. She's wearing a coral coloured dress.  
  
Her hair is cut short, but just long enough to frame her face. Her face is full and looks soft. Her eyes are kind, and never leave mine.  
  
He breasts are small, her stomach flat, and her legs surprisingly long for her meager height.  
  
She asks me if the seat is taken, I make some sort of gesture and she sits.  
  
"Can you talk?" She asks, laughing softly.  
  
Her laughter is genuine. It reminds me of music.  
  
And I smile, and so does she.  
  
"Yeah, I can." I say the to her, and she's still smiling.  
  
"I'm Kumiko Yoshida." I always liked that name.  
  
"Kenichi Ueda." I never liked that name.  
  
"Okay, Ken." She smiles again. I usually didn't tolerate people calling me Ken. But she was different.  
  
"Why'd you move?" Yeah, it's painfully obvious to everyone but me. But I don't care. Women like her don't just sit next to you.  
  
"Hmm." He brought her index finger to her chin and looked at me in mock thought. "I've seen you here all the time. I've always wanted to talk to you."  
  
"Why would you want to talk to me?" Her she holds her small hands together in front of her.  
  
Her skin is pale like a winter moon. Here eyes are a deep brown, and her hair is black like soot.  
  
"You look like you've got something to say. Maybe something I've wanted to hear." She trails off at the last couple of words, and then continues. "Listen, I'll go if you want."  
  
I hesitate, and she takes that as a 'Yes'. I feel my hand on her soft forearm, and she sits back down.  
  
"I'm sorry. I'm not. I'm not good with people." I say, looking at my drink.  
  
"You're not trying very hard." She smiles again, and I feel any defenses I've ever put up melt away.  
  
Her body is as soft as I figured it'd be. I feel nervous. My stomach aches nervously, and my movements are shifty. She rubs my back encouragingly, and smiles too.  
  
She sighs and tries to keep quiet. She's trying to read my face. She's looking at my eyes and she's measuring up my soul. She likes what she sees. She smiles and holds me close.  
  
I bury my face in the crook of her neck. She smells like rain, and her sweat is sweet like dew.  
  
He legs are practically wrapped around my face. We wrestle as one.  
  
I keep as quiet as possible. Shinji was in the other room, after all.  
She lays motionless on my chest. I feel her chest rise with every inhale, and descend with each exhale. I'm looking at the sky. It's still raining. The water on my window makes the outside world seem blurry.  
  
She makes a noise in her shallow sleep, and I look down at her.  
I start walking. The train will come soon. The end will come soon. And then what will there be?  
  
I need alcohol.  
I don't remember who I used to be. I do, however, remember walking through the quiet park, her hand in mine. We were going to no particular destination, simply walking. The stiff grass seemed to crunch upon our every step.  
  
I happened to glance up at the sky. I squinted at the intense blue of it all, had I not I feared an odd pain would come over me. I only averted my gaze when my partner gave my hand a squeeze.  
  
"Yes?" I asked her, figuring the gesture was perpetrated to gather my intention.  
  
"You're not talking." Rei smiled, her eyes falling to the ground, watching where each of her feet would soon fall.  
  
I felt my heart sink and my brain melt into some sort of thoughtless goo. However, it reformed to register my response.  
  
"Is that a problem?" I smirked, my free hand rising to rub the back of my neck.  
  
"Yes, yes it is!" She smiled again, the death of me I swear, and even laughed. She poked my rib, and despite my "Ow!" repeated it.  
  
I laughed, too. "That's funny." I smiled at her, and then set my gaze off ahead of us.  
  
"Why is that funny?" She asked, another squeeze to my hand.  
  
"Because, it's you saying that to me. You're the most unsociable person I know." I said this while not talking my eyes off a bench in the distance. 'We should sit there,' I thought.  
  
She sunk into silence and thought about this. I got the feeling she just wanted to forget about how she used to be. I snuck a glance over at her. She was watching the ground again, and I was watching the bench.  
  
"Why are you stopping?" I asked her.  
  
"To sit." She said simply, taking a seat upon the wooden structure. It stood facing the large lake, which I had come on many occasions to sit and think. This would probably be no different.  
  
I was surprised that she felt the need to sit here, as I had planned on asking her to anyway. She sat, hands folded upon her lap. They created a small depression in the skirt of her jumper. I was going to ask her to elaborate, but she interrupted me before I even spoke.  
  
"Shinji-kun." She seemed to coo at me. I turned my head, my eyes immediately locked with hers.  
  
" I want you to. Pretend we just met today. I met you in the hall at NERV."  
  
"Okay. So this is like a date." I blush and quickly add to the statement. "Well, it doesn't have to b-"  
  
"It's a date." She cuts me off, and places her pale hand upon mine. I turn my head to look down at her hands. She's crossed her legs at her ankles, swinging them gently back and forth. Finally our eyes meet. Out of the corner of my eyes I can see her legs slowly stop their idle swing. She slowly moves close to me, leaning against my ribs.  
  
I grimace, my ribs are still sore from the earlier accident. But, I remain silent. Any pain is worth this moment.  
  
The sun is a fading memory. The sky is remembering fondly, doing its best to portray is brilliant array of colors. The clouds have turned pink and purple. The rest of the sky has taken a bright red.  
  
I look to my side and she is staring at me. Her eyes remind me of the sky.  
  
He brings her head slowly closer to mine. He forehead is pressed against mine. Our noses rub against each other's and we let out quiet laughs.  
  
I'm still laughing as her lips seize mine. The laughter stops immediately, as well as any other movement.  
  
Her lips are, by far, the softest thing I've ever touched. I can tell she's waiting for some form of a response. So I slowly lean into her and return the kiss.  
Author's note.  
  
This is an odd chapter. By far the worst. Anyway, review it. I'm thinking one more chapter. I basically needed this to set up the next one, which should have a lot of action. I suppose it could stretch to two more chapters, depending on how long I want the next to be. Anyway. Yeah, this is the second time I've changed my pen name. Sue me.  
  
James 


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